Test Monkeys

Test #2: Momofuku Milk Bar Pie

Test Monkey Glenn is currently out with her own family, so Test Monkey Natalie decided to abuse her own family members who were in town visiting from Oregon and make them eat copious amounts of pie. She’s a horrible person. Clearly.

After a delicious dinner at Momofuku Noodle Bar, the clan walked 4 blocks to Momofuku Milk Bar, right behind Saam at 2nd Ave and 13th.

Type: Candy Bar Pie

What’s in it: Nougat, peanut butter caramel chocolate
Looks Like: Peanut butter pie
Smells like: Peanut butter and chocolate
Tastes like: a giant reeses cup! Kind of tastes like Butterfinger ice cream.
Mouth feel: Creamy, with the sneakiest little crunch somewhere in there!

It had hard crust… chocolate. Rob thinks it’s awesome… nice little crunch - maybe a bit of butterfinger? It’s a little hard to eat because the crust is so compacted… its not like graham cracker compacted… it’s an actual crust.


Would I buy it again? Yeah all around.
Rob: 4.5/5 -I really like peanut butter pie…
Dad: 4/5 - I’m not big peanut butter pesron, but the creamy texture is very nice.
Natalie: 3.5/5 - I’m not big peanut butter person. But the Butterfinger crunch is BALLER.

Type: Brownie pie

What’s in it: Brownie? Chocolate. Graham cracker crust.
Looks Like: brownie
Smells like: brownie
Tastes like: Super chocolatey. Really fudgey… maybe has a higher cocoa content? Darker chocolate maybe.
Mouth feel: Fudgey… not so much like a brownie. Softer. Top is really brownie flaky crusty like and looks like brownie tops, but the inside its more raw.

Would I buy it again: no. too rich.
Rob: 3.5/5 - I think with vanilla ice cream it would be MUCH better
Dad: 3/5 - It’s too rich.
Natalie: 2.5/5 - I feel like I’m going to have a stomach ache.

Type: Crack Pie

Whats in it: WHO KNOWS?! (We think the menu said butter filling and oat crust?)
Looks Like: Lemon bars in pie form.
Smells like: Butter? No idea. Kind of scentless?
Tastes like: Butterscotchy? Buttery?  CARAMELY! It’s CARAMEL.
Mouth feel: Same texture as a lemon pie.

Dad says oats are for horses, but it’s so much better with a bigger chunk of crust.
When the crust pieces are more evenly distribtuted with the pie, it’s not as rich. But it’s sweet nonetheless… SOOOO sweet.


Would I buy it again: Dad and Rob, no. Natalie, maybe.
Rob: 3/5 - I thought it was gonna taste more like crack.
Dad: 3/5 - Don’t think I’m gonna sleep after eating that. Wayyy too much sugar.
Natalie: 3/5 - Totally tasty, but it didnt live up to the repuation. I’m worried im gonna get sugar shakes.

(Muchos gracias to my dad and brother for participating in this very strenuous taste test. I know I forced you guys to eat pie and tell me what you thought, so thanks for being such good honorary Test Monkeys!)

Test #1: fancyschmancy bottled drinks

A lot of people shop at organic and specialty food stores, but do a lot of people consistently buy the drinks in the cooler cases? Sure, some swear by the healing power of Kombucha, but not everyone likes to drink vinegar, so we tested out some of the other pretty bottles behind the glass…

Brand: Bossa Nova Superfruit

Flavor: Original
Pitch: Highest anti-oxidant fruit (Acai)
Why we bought it: decided to try an acai drink, it had 5 different flavors available
Main Ingredients: Wild harvest acai juice, organic agave nectar, natural flavors, citric acid
Nutritional value: 95 calories per serving (almost 2 in a bottle)
Bottle design: clear with intricate cap cover design
Drink color: purpley, deep violet
Cost: $3.79

First impressions: it is SO difficult to open for a plastic twist off top…

I feel like if we spilt this anywhere it would stain our shit. Looks like wineeeee!

Smells like: blueberries
Mouth feel: kind of numbs the tongue… left our teeth pretty filmy.
Tastes like: someone took a crap in pom juice and watered it down. it tastes like watered down blueberries… not very sweet. tastes natural, but is it worth the calories?

Worth it?

Nat: 2.5/5 stars - tolerable as an acai drink… I’ve had worse…
Glenn: 1.5/5 stars

Wouldn’t buy again.

Brand: Vio
Flavor: Peach Mango
Pitch: flavored with other natural flavors; vibrancy drink (it’s fizzy in here!)

Why we bought it: bottle was soooo pretty
Main Ingredients: sparkling water, cane sugar, skim milk, cream (natural flavors)
Nutritional value: 120 per serving (1 whole bottle)
Bottle design: white wrapped with great bubbly orange and pink dot design.
Drink color: creamy orange
Cost: $2.49

First impressions: carbonated milk? wtf.

Smells like: orange and milk.
Mouth feel: fizzy - definitely takes away from the scary milk thing. leaves the same mouth feel as eating yogurt would.
Tastes like: peach yogurt or a creamsicle of sorts… (someone mixed yogurt and perrier)

Worth it?
Nat: 2.5/5 stars - might have actually liked it, but I’m too weirded out by the whole milk and juice thing.
Glenn: 2.5/5 ditto

Might buy it in another flavor… our curiosity has been peaked…

Brand: Venga
Flavor: “Energize”
Pitch: “Explosive power is just a slip away”
Why we bought it: BUCKTHORRRRRN
Main Ingredients: water, crystaline fructose, apple juice concentrate, black carrot juice concentrate, (color), citric acid, sea buckthorn juice concentrate, caffeine, yerba mate, tea leaves extract
Nutritional value: 100 calories/serving (2 per bottle)
Bottle design: clear with stuck on label
Drink color: dark rosea… strawberry colored
Cost: $2.99

First impressions: only 5% juice? and there’s a scary warning label against pregnant ladies drinking this. scurry.

but hey, what a great opening experience.

Smells like: watered down fruit punch
Mouth feel: like water, but kind of feels like it sticks to the glands in your neck… kinda weird, but not bad.
Tastes like: who the fuck knows! tastes like juice? something incredibly familiar for Nat… its on the tip of my tongue… Glenn thinks it’s the fraternal twin of vitamin water, like it has darker hair or something and is two inches taller.

Holy balls, if you hold venga in your mouth for an extra second or two before you swallow, the taste totally changes! kinda gets a kick of weird bananaaaa

Worth it?
Nat: 3.5/5 stars - I kinda liked itttt
Glenn: 3/5 stars

Both would buy again, but would maybe try another flavor.

Brand: POM - POMx Iced Coffee
Flavor: Chocolate
Pitch: “the health buzz: a love affair with chocolate and coffee begins.” Glenn: I didn’t need pom to tell me where my love affair with coffee and chocolate began…

Why we bought it: uh, chocolate and coffee? do we really have to tell you?
Main Ingredients: nonfat milk, organic cane sugar, pom wonderful antioxidant extract, brewed rainforest alliance certified coffee
Nutritional value: 190 calories per bottle
Bottle design: GRENADE
Drink color: poop!
Cost: $3.49

First impressions: opened easily. has a sanitary cap… downgrade?

Immediately reminds Glenn of diarrhea. gross. keepin it classy, Glenn.


Smells like: smells a little like coffee, more like chocolate.
Mouth feel: like any other coffee drink… doubleshots or bottled fraps.
Tastes like: chocolate viactive chews -a chocolate/chalky feeling. no coffee flavor really.

GLENN LOVES ITTTTT

Worth it?
Nat: 2/5 stars - I’d rather spend the money on a bottled frappachino because it tastes way better.
Glenn: 4/5 stars. would buy it again if I was tired. Want to try it on ice!

Glenn would buy again, Nat wouldn’t.

Minutes later, we both had stomach aches, Glenn especially. Nat had a bit of a headache.